I Hate You, I Love You
by sbyamibakura
Summary: Kensei/Hiro, How many times must I suffer for you, carp?


I Hate You, I Love You

By: PhoenixJustice

Disclaimer: Heroes is owned by Tim Kring, not me, sadly. I only own this story and make no profit from this.

Warning: T for a bit of language, etc

Feedback/Archive: Feedback is good. Ask me if you want to archive this.

Pairing: implied Kensei/Hiro

Setting: Post-S2

Summary: How many times must I suffer for you, carp?

Prompt: 'First you show me that I can be harmed by no weapon and then you cut me deeper than any blade possibly could.' --suggested by squareorange

so I'll walk the plank and I'll jump with a smile. If I'm gonna go down then I'm going to do it with style and you won't see me surrender. You won't hear me confess, cuz you left me with nothing, but I've worked with less. ("Dilate" Ani Difranco)--suggested by tjutjutjutju

And suddenly I become apart of your past; I'm becoming the part that don't last; I'm losing you and its effortless. ("Over my head" The Fray) --suggested by runningondreams

'It's a hell of a lot easier to be gay in this century, isn't it?' --suggested by runningondreams

'I didn't really love you, but I'm pretty when I lie." ("Pretty when you cry" VAST) --suggested by archerstar

"She wasn't my princess, you were my prince." --suggested by godiloveslash

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First you show me that I can be harmed by no weapon and then you cut me deeper than any blade possibly could, so I'll walk the plank and I'll jump with a smile. If I'm gonna go down then I'm going to do it with style and you won't see me surrender. You won't hear me confess, cause you left me with nothing, but I've worked with less. And suddenly I become apart of your past; I'm becoming the part that don't last; I'm losing you and its effortless.

I gave everything I had to you and it still wasn't enough for you.

You ripped my heart out, stealing the name of Kensei and making me into the Adam Monroe which you laid beneath the ground.

How many times must I suffer for you, carp?

I have lived over a thousand lives and deaths in this coffin and I continue to do so over and over again.

The aliases over the years were empty, as empty as my many marriages were. I am the empty one.

I suppose you must wonder about Yaeko sometimes, what had happened to her.

I didn't kill her, if you sometimes wonder that. But I wanted to. How I LONGED to. My so-called 'princess', the ruin of it all. It'd have been better if she had been dead before you even showed up; maybe then things wouldn't have gone so wrong.

I loved you. I don't think you knew that, even if the betrayal was a sharp a sword as if it had cleaved me in two.

I love you. I don't think you know that, even if I verily poured my heart out to you before you teleported us away and locked me inside a coffin to lie here, but not rot.

'You were more than a friend to me.'

A truer statement there never was.

And you gave me hope, damn you.

Your shy glances and blushes. Those little smiles or the big ones that lit up your face and my heart.

You made me a hero and then you took it all away.

I should hate you.

I TRIED to hate you.

The anger had been simmering for ages after you left, until it finally bubbled over and I got the idea in my head to release the Virus and change the world. But hate you?

I never hated you.

Damn you.

My carp, my koi.

Even now whenever I think of you, hope tentatively springs up and I ache to see you again.

I want to hold you and kiss you. I want to tell you that I'm sorry. I want to tell you that you're wrong. I want to make everything right again. I want to destroy everything. Most of all; I want you. My carp, my koi. I have had lengthy conversations in my head about you until I can't keep my eyes open anymore and want to sleep.

Sometimes things just pop up out of the blue, stray thoughts.

Like; 'It's a hell of a lot easier to be gay in this century isn't it?' Not like that helps me any at the moment, but all the same...When and if I ever get out of this thing, then you and I are going to have some words.

That or I'll punch you. Or perhaps snog you. I'm not sure which.

...sigh. Maybe if I had told Yaeko 'I didn't really love you, but I'm pretty when I lie.' Maybe that would help, or it would if I told you; 'She wasn't my princess, you were my prince.'

Everything I ever did for you, everything I have said and done have been done for and because of you.

My carp, my koi.

I hate you and I love you.

But you will always be mine and no one elses.

I plan to keep you by my side always.

And that, because of my ability, is entirely possible.

Don't worry though, carp. I promise to make it pleasurable for us both.

Though I might have to do something about your precious 'Ando-kun'...

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A/N: I think I have officially written the most Kensei/Hiro fics. Maybe that's just me, but let's see. I've written 22 Kiro fics including this one! (OMG!)

And all my fics has been written/finished in the span of the S2 finale till now. And these are a lot of fics, but I generally don't have a lot of time to work on fics, though this seems to contradict that, but it's true. I usually work between 11:00 to 1-1:30 in the morning, sometimes more if I have more time.

But really, I must definitely thank this pairing and this community. Kensei/Hiro has opened up a gate for me, leaving me able to write better, write more and do everything more than I possibly could before. This pairing has been a gift to me, the same as this community, swordmates has been a gift to me. You have no idea how wonderful it is to me to find a tight-knit community who loves the same things I love and which I can talk to them about. I have needed that for so long now. And not to mention the fact that I started in this pairing from it's fledgling beginning which makes me so very happy, to be apart of something from it's start. I have always wanted that.

And to be apart of a fic-a-thon is another awesome thing for me.

To tjutjutjutju, our mod. And to all of the other Kensei/Hiro lovers out there, some of which I getting to know better and better; AuntZelda (Zel-chan!), amenochikara (I just realized your icon is L and that is 3!!), tjutjutjutju, rosiecotton95, and so many others. Thank you all for all of your reviews and everyone's fics have been very great.

It'll be quite a contest, this fic-a-thon, with so many great writers working on fics. I have always wanted to win a fanfic award; I only have my 2 RL Young Author awards. But who wants RL when you have fanfiction? XD


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